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DEFEATING THE GARGANTUA BURGER

by:Pox

2013/10/31

I've finally accomplished my lifelong dream of winning a food eating challenge with my friend! AND ON THE FIRST TRY TOO, BITCHES. I went to L'Auberge du Dragon Rouge here in Montreal, which is a medieval-themed pub where you get to eat with your hands and drink beer from a cauldron with a laddle.

It's true! Though you should probably avoid going there with sick people.

They also happen to have.... THIS!

ONLY COSTS 80$

2 pounds of boar meat, 1 pound of thick cut bacon, cheese, mayo, 2 fried jalapenos, loads of tomato sauce, a whole deli pickle, big-ass buns and all on a luscious bed of all their various cuts of delicious cinnamon-spinkled fries! The whole thing probably weighed about 6-7 pounds.

Yes that's the challenge! You get one hour and fifteen minutes to eat this badass burger with your friend, upon which you will be rewarded with FREE FRIES FOR LIFE...with the purchase of a meal...
STILL, DON'T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM US!

Follow me along this most memorable of nights!

When they bring it to you, it's a special occasion and everyone in the restaurant has to cheer. THEY HAVE TOO OR THEY DIE.

Just couldn't wait for them to cut it in two! HURRY I MUST END THIS BURGER'S LIFE.

First a sampling of the fries I will get to enjoy for free until I die.

Fuck yeah I need more of those fries, QUICK, BURGER, VANISH INTO MY MOUTH.

Let me just pause for a moment to mention that this burger was AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS. The meat was juicy and tender and it had ample sauces to remove whatever leftover dryness could be found. The bread was soft and garlicy, it went down smooth.

Well for a while it did.

My friend finished his half faster than me... NOOOO. To be fair I had just eaten a large-ass salad at home because I didn't want to be hungry and overeat at the restaurant. No, I was not aware of the challenge at the time. Lol.

This is where my friend hit the wall. He has eaten more of the burger and fries than I did though, but he was going to throw up just looking at the food.

He was dipping his fries into his water to remove the saltiness and spices. THIS IS NOT ORANGE JUICE...

After about 45 minutes this is what we had left. It seemed like a mountain at the time.

I cannot explain to you solely with words how bad we felt.

It felt like every bite of food we forced down would make us throw up. Even the 10 minutes break we took did nothing. NOTHING.

Eventually I managed to swallow the last 3 bites of food. I didn't chew, I just swallowed it with water like a delicious cheeseburger pill.

FUCK YEAH!

We emerged victorious!

The waitress ( or wench as it were) informed us that only one in 10 teams who attempt this challenge conquer it. Bunch of pussies, I wasn't even hungry and had drunk like 2 pints of beer when I took my first bite. Next time ( if there is one) we find a challenge, we're gonna go there PREPARED and MURDER ITS ASS. One day I hope to order seconds after mouth-raping a giant hamburger.

SO WHAT'S THE PRIZE? WHAT IS MY FRIEND STARING AT IN THIS PICTURE?

Ok so it's in french but basically it's a RARE ARTIFACT that activates with the purchase of a meal and delivers ENDLESS FRIES to the plate of its MASTER.

This was an awesome night, though at the time I never wanted to eat ever again. I highly recommend that restaurant anyway as you'll feel like a viking on top of patronizing an establishment that would otherwise go bankrupt from my future devastation of their potato stores.

LIKE THIS IF YOU WANT US TO ATTEMPT MORE FOOD CHALLENGES!

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