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HOW TO USE THE SELF CHECKOUT

by:Pox

2013/10/23

OK I'm starting to get tired of waiting after people at the self checkout and if you're like me and have an IQ over 80, then you probably are too. Haven't we learned anything from letting people drive? Most people can't operate machines and you can bet your ass you'll see them clogging the system at the grocery store just like they do at water parks and the post office. Please share this helpful guide so we can all spend less of our precious lives standing in a line rolling our eyes.

1. WHEN TO CHOOSE THE SELF-CHECKOUT?

Great question! The only point of the self checkout is to avoid lines at the cash register. Self checkout machines are inherently slow to use, buggy and require you to do everything, so you must evaluate total wait time in lines vs time it will take at the self-checkout. Just remember that it will take ten times as long for any one person to pass through the self checkout vs going through a regular human cashier.

So if there are 2 people in line, you are looking at a self-checkout time equivalent to:

10x/c

Where c is the number of self checkout machines and x is the number of idiots in line waiting to use them.

So if there are 2 people in line and 8 machines, that means you are waiting the equivalent of 2.5 people in line at the regular cash register, so CHOOSE WISELY. Typically you should never use the self checkout unless there is no line whatsoever for reasons that will become ever clearer as you read on.

2. HOW TO STAND IN LINE

I shouldn't have to explain this to adults but every time I go to the grocery store, I see people violating the universal LINE RULES.

==== LINE RULE #1: Leave a space equivalent to no more than 1.5 feet between you and the person in front of you.

==== LINE RULE #2: Lines don't have a left and a right side, only a front and back. If you are new to a line, GO TO THE BACK.

==== LINE RULE #3: There is one line for the machine area so that the person at the front gets the next free machine.

USING THE MACHINES

3. START WITH A CLEAN MACHINE

The right-hand platform of the machine is a scale. Don't put anything on this before starting as this causes the current generation of machines to flip out because they think you're trying to make out with free food that you for some idiotic reason failed to scan yet put on the scale anyway.

4. DON'T SCAN THE SAME ITEM ONE AFTER THE OTHER

Because the machine thinks it might be a mistake, scanning the same item multiple times in a row causes it to pause and suck your life away. That means you must alternate food items so that no two of the same item are ever scanned one after the other. For instance:

Notice that the apple was replaced with a much more desirable and delicious pint of ice cream, because...

5. DON'T BUY ANYTHING WITHOUT A BAR CODE

Forget about bananas, lettuce and tomatoes. For the uninitiated: Items without a bar code must be entered manually into the machine then weighed on the scanner scale. This causes the machine to freeze up about 20% of the time which then results in you having to CALL A CASHIER FOR ASSISTANCE which means your quest for efficiency is now over as you have to wait around until someone comes to make sure you're not trying to steal 20 cents worth of radishes.

QUEST OVER.

6. USE BOTH HANDS

It's not hard. Grab an item with your left hand, scan it, then put it in your right hand to put it on the bagging area as you grab your next item with your left hand.

7. BRING YOUR OWN BAGS

Because plastic bags are now a valuable commodity, only the cashiers are allowed to handle them and therefore if you purchase any at the end of your scanning adventure you will be required to wait around for him/her to bring them to you or, worse, you'll have to go grab them yourself, leaving your valuable paid-for groceries unattended and vulnerable to hobos.

8. LEARN HOW TO USE A CREDIT CARD

Yes I admit it, it's not simple but you have to learn because YOU ARE NOT PAYING FOR THIS STUFF WITH CASH, BY GOD, YOU ARE NOT, YOU BASTARD. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG THAT TAKES?

There are 3 ways you can pay with a credit card that has a chip in it and you must try these ways in this precise order:

1.PAYPASS --> Tap the card on the screen
2.CHIP --> Insert the chip part of the card face-up into the bottom slot
3.STRIP --> Slide the magnetic strip into the god damned crack and then get a new credit card.

9. MOVE YOUR ASS WHILE BAGGING

This is where most people fail. They think that once they're done waiting in line, they own the machine and they can just take all the time in the world. Wrong. We are watching you fumble those oranges like some kind of INSERT RELEVANT SPORTS METAPHOR.

Bagging is not hard, just put the hard heavy items at the bottom and the soft light items on top. Here is a puzzle of comparable difficulty to bagging so you can familiarize yourself with solving simple mental problems:

..........Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the answer iiiiiiiiiis....

You are now ready to bag your crap in a hurry and get the hell out of my way.

And we are done. Follow these simple instructions and you too can one day get respectful nods from other folk waiting in line. Ideally you should aim to finish the entire procedure so fast that the person who was in line right behind you uses your machine next while the other 3-8 jackasses try to scan papayas while the machine freezes repeatadly because they put their baby on the bagging scale. Remember, the attendant can only help ONE mongoloid at the time, so take your destiny into your own hands and don't ever become that mongoloid.

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