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This Summer I went to Chicago. It was most sweet. Then I went to Iowa City to visit my friend. Iowa City = not as sweet. If you ever get the chance to visit any big American city, I recommend you go to Chicago during the summer, it's one of the most beautiful cities in North America. IT HAS A RIVER RUNNING THROUGH IT. Sweet.

I had way more pictures but my piece of shit phone factory reset itself in my pocket, deleting everything. If you're a phone engineer and reading this, remember that you're a fucking idiot. Thanks.

The first view you get of the city from the highway. That building used to be the tallest in the world! Since humans have no sense of sizes beyond 20 feet, it doesn't matter and you can just pretend like it still is because it's tall regardless of what other tall things exist!

I think that's where the Rockerfellers control the Illuminati.

The train tracks are elevated and run through the city, LIKE IN BATMAN. It's not the other way around. Chicago was based on Batman. Yes.


More buildings. And my head.

Look at this thing. Bet lots of important stuff goes on in there. Also lots of people playing Solitaire instead of working.

All tourists. 100% of them.

There's a lake somewhere over there.

The Chicago river runs through the city from Lake Michigan. It eventually dumps all of Chicago's poos into the Mississipi river.

Even the beggars are lovely here. *beggars might not include West Chicago. Do not go there.

This guy is a robot. His retirement plan is freezing to death on a park bench or starring in his own Blockbuster Hollywood movie. One of these is more likely than the other.

We had lunch at an overpriced Cajun restaurant. Look at all the hot sauce bottles they had! This is where I tried fried green tomatoes and soft shell crab for The Food List Challenge.

More pictures of the river. It's quite beautiful and doesn't smell like sewage, which is a nice upside.

Seriously how awesome is this? Too bad it'll all be under water soon :,(

These are water taxis. There is no EFFING way this is more efficient than a regular taxi. I'm starting to think they're only trying to cater to tourists here...

This bike paths runs all along the side of the lake. It's beautifuls.

This is a giant fancy sculpture that SHOOT OUT WATER and makes people wet. Hobos most likely bathe there, which make Chicago's homeless one of the least smelly species of bums.

Here's a video of it. Pretend I made this.

Finally art with a function!

This is the lion factory, where they make the lions before shipping them to Africa. Bet you didn't know that.

If you stare at this long enough you get a seizure.

Sadly the weather got a little shittier towards the evening...

But we were ready for it.

This giant water fountain probably has some kind of interesting story and meaning behind it. Mainly though, it shoots water real high.

Naked boobs used to be fashionable. When is that coming back in mainstream entertainment? Damn it.

Being tourists, we bought tickets to a 2 hour boat tour of the Chicago river and Lake Michigan.

Did I mention this city is beautiful?


The blanket of night falls onto the city. Why do people say that though, blankets are warm but nights are cold. WHATEVER.

View from the city from out on lake Michigan.

Incidentally this is the biggest fish caught in Michigan. Just throwing that out there.

Sneaky head.

This is Navy pier, which is basically one long stretch of carnival shit like churros, funnel cakes and cheap rides. You can sign up for boating tours there as well but we all know how lame those are...

Chicago at night. Pretty badass.

Back in town from freezing our weiners on the lake. This building cost a lot of money. It is also shaped like a corn cob. That is all.

There's street art like this strewn about all over town. Well at least the touristy parts... You wish your city had giant flower pots shaped like lady heads.

Some kind of stadium for "sports" or whatever. Also the answer to the question you are asking is yes. Yes she is one.

More gardens and sculptures. Seriously there's so much greenery near the water... Quite the nice town!


And that was it for Chicago, after a short two days. Definitely wish we had stayed longer, but oh well. It was time to leave to visit my friend in Iowa, with the blessings of Jesus Cloud.

Iowa: There's corn. Also, corn.

We visited an Amish community, which I have come to understand is a village of nothing but gift shops.

Dandelion wine anyone? Oh Amish, your desperate quest to get drunk has made you do insane things!

Basically this is how you transition a toddler away from fruit juice into hard liquor.

One thing I haven't mentionned yet is how extremely bad this whole village smelled, probably because of what goes on in this building..

I have taken the liberty of drawing the smell for you since current photography technology cannot capture stench.

More quaintness.

Flowers. Amish people like them. But you can't make pop corn or ethanol with flowers, so.... yeah.. flowers... kind of useless.

Another building full of ridiculously tacky crap.

See what I mean?

Perfect for your grandma's bathroom.

I wonder how many of these they made and how many they sold vs how many they had to melt down and recycle into decorative ash trays.

Thank god my mom never bought shit like this.

I thought Amish people were nice humble folk but it seems they're encouraging women to be huge entitled bitches...

I'm pretty sure I would not be friends with anyone who's walls looked like this...

Sadly due to picture deletion, you cannot get the full idea of how much old tacky crap was lying around this store.

Seriously. Grandma heaven.

More garbage haha. YES I AM JUDGING YOUR GIFT SHOPS, AMISH. Where are the geodes? The microscopes? The dinosaur books? Losers.

Yes chocolate is happiness :D And love is apenis. CLOSE.

NOW we're talking.

Of course I needed one of these. Pickle on a stick? What wild crazy recipe is this?

Seems like it's a pickle. On a stick. Yeah...

There's no way you can eat that without making suggestive mouth shapes around it.

Btw yeah it was kinda gross. Don't buy this.

"BONBON" is Amish for candy!

Ah, brewery! Time for a mid day heat wave beer buzz.

Hey wait a minute, those look like machines.... machines invented after the 1700s... DAMN YOU AMISH YOU ARE LIARS.

My friend's workplace: The University of Iowa, Iowa City. What a dumbass name for a city though.

My friend works in the economics department, look at the sweet screens they set up where you can access all kinds of current data on world economies! But no Pokemon card prices though. Guess there are limits to what you can do even if you waste millions of dollars.

You can't seriously expect a university to function without a sweet lounging area, can you? It looks like an airport. An airport that I'd actually want to hang out in. Airports suck...

Look at this Patriarch, gloating about his fortune with this decadent portrait flanked by greek columns. CHECK YOUR PRIVILEDGE!!!!

Some looks at the town itself. Looks pretty quiet. And boring.

The brain rock, from which all brains evolved.

The university gift shop, where you can purchase all your overpriced shit to let people know you went to the University of Iowa... Yeaaah.

During the fall, this would be packed with students. Annoying students. Eating their expensive pizza.... drinking PBR... I sure hate people I've never met before.

A fancy fountain. If you walk under the streams without touching, you unlock an achievement!

Some building. Who cares? Pff.

Another building. No one cares still.

Well that's kind of a shitty way to end this serie of pictures! How about I let you in on a little secret: I went somewhere else in Chicago.. somewhere COOLER. I have pictures... For another time!

Try to restrain your boners:

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