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No, it's not Great Being Fat.

by:Pox

2012/02/01

So I was reading The 5 Biggest Benefits of Growing Up Fat and it just pissed me off. I've heard this SO MANY TIMES. Fat people who try to spin their DISABILITY into something neutral or even POSITIVE.

SHUT UP. I used to be fat. I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE FAT. I did the work to get fit (60+pounds lost). IT'S WAY BETTER. A MILLION TIMES BETTER. Being fat drained 10 years out of my social life, that's how I feel today. At least I got out early enough that I don't have to be in my mid-30s pretending like a gut is the greatest boon ever. Here's what I think about this fat business:

10 MYTHS AND FACTS ABOUT BEING FAT.

1. IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FUNNY

I've heard this so many times. The fat guy pretending like his personality and charm was hard-earned through the pain of social stigma. BULLSHIT. I was skinny as a kid before I got fat AND I WAS FUNNY. I was the funniest kid before I was fat and the funniest kid after I got fat. And guess what? Other kids were funny too. Some of them fat, some of them not. Fat people only seem funny because that's their only redeeming quality so they hang onto it like it was special.

2. YOU SMELL

There's nothing you can do about it. If you're fat, it takes about a quarter of the time it would take a normal person before you start smelling like sweaty socks. Whole areas of your body are turned into sweat lodges where they wouldn't be if you were thin. Your ass crack is its own ecosystem, your armpits are a yeast sauna and you better wear sandals in the summer because your feet are constantly slowly mutating into blue cheese wheels.

The smelly business usually comes into play at the end of a work day or when you have to do some effort you weren't anticipating like walking or climbing a bunch of stairs. That means that you need to shower before going anywhere after work or school. THIS SUCKS. If friends invite you to hang out at their place, you will stink up the house when you take off your shoes. YOU KNOW THIS IS TRUE

3. YOU'RE NOT STRONG

Yes it is a fact that high body fat will allow you to maintain more muscle mass and it is also a fact that if you're lugging blubber around all day long you will gain muscle. But you're not STRONG. Your increased muscle mass is only there to SUPPORT you, it doesn't grant you super powers. Anyone who works out for a moderate amount of time can be stronger than a fat dude and they won't get tired or smelly anywhere near as fast.

4. YOU ARE NOT BETTER AT SEX

If you're fat, you can only do LESS things in bed for LESS time. I don't even want to imagine the mechanics of moving all your whale blubber around for you to please a woman. Last I checked, I have the same parts you do except mine are all accessible, fully functional and I don't drip like the Victoria falls after 2 minutes of light effort.

5. YOU COST MORE TO FEED

To maintain a higher weight, you require more calories. How many more?
Use this calculator and find out! For instance, if I hadn't lost the weight, it would cost me 25% more calories to maintain my weight (65pounds extra). How much do you spend on food? 10$ a day? 20? Let's say you spend the meager sum of 10$ a day, if you increase the cost by 25% that comes to 912$ a year that you just waste TO BE FAT. CONGRATULATIONS. 65 pounds overweight is not even that bad, some people easily go into the hundreds.

6. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT NUTRITION

If you're fat, chances are you eat crap and don't know anything about food except how to coat it in butter and fry it. Lucky for you, the human body is a survival machine that won't break down for decades even if you fuel it with garbage, but eventually your terrible nutrition can take its toll. Worse though is that you will feed your kids the same garbage that you eat because you have no idea how much of what to feed a human on a daily basis.

7. YOU'RE GOING TO DIE SOONER

Yep. Start smoking too and see which one wins.

8. YOU ARE NOT NICER BY DEFAULT

Fat people have this idea that they had to work harder than everyone else to be liked, as if humans were just terrible assholes who excluded everyone on superficial grounds. So there's this notion that they have great social skills! They know how to talk to women, how to make friends and how to be likeable, whereas beautiful fit people, supposedly, just get it all for free! What bullshit. Unless you're a pussy, you're not going to tolerate some bullshit from a douche or a bitchy girl. It's ON YOU if you like good-looking folks by default, because I sure as fuck do not. The truth is that most people are nice anyway and there's an equal ( if not greater ) amount of fat assholes as there are fit ones.

Oh and adding to that, there's the whole deal where ugly / fat people somehow HAAAAVE to develop an interesting skill or personality and later in life they are rewarded for it while the beautiful people's looks fade and everyone realizes they are uninteresting. BULLSHIT. Most fat people don't do jack; they watch tv and play video games. Fit people are generally more motivated BECAUSE HEY, IT TAKES MOTIVATION TO BE FIT, so they're more likely to actually still be interesting later on.

9. YOU MISS OUT ON AMAZING WOMEN / MEN

People are attracted to similar looking people. Yeah if you're a man you have higher chances of getting a gorgeous woman if you're fat than the fat woman has a chance of getting a stud, but you don't think women notice you're shaped like a bowling ball? You think that cute small-waisted cutie wants to sleep with a mammoth who might crush her? Your chances of getting the full package: That smart, independant, funny, non-crazy and fit mate decrease with every pound you pack on.

10. YOU PROBABLY HAVE MANY OTHER DEFECTS

If you saw someone with a bunch of rotted-out yellow teeth, what would you think? Would you not judge them on the basis that just because they're ignorant about dental hygiene doesn't mean they're not otherwise amazing? Hell no, you're be grossed-out and wonder why the fuck elves stole their teeth and replaced them with corn in the night. Fat people generally get bitter, bossy, bitchy and nuts as time goes by. Bad self-image, low exercise and probably bad sex lives all contribute to chip away at their humanity. Losing weight is not easy, but it's not impossible. If you're 300 pounds, YOU ARE MOST LIKELY AN IDIOT, with all the defects that usually come with being an idiot.

THE BOTTOM LINE: ALL YOU CAN REALLY TELL ABOUT A FAT PERSON IS THAT THEY'RE FAT AND PROBABLY WORSE HUMAN BEINGS IN GENERAL

Being fat is a defect. It's not crippling, it doesn't make you bad, lazy, stupid, ugly or an asshole but it sure as hell doesn't make you funny, strong, likeable, a sex god and a smooth talker. If you're fat, stop living in fantasy land and do something about it, YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE. This isn't like being poor. Not everyone can just get a decent-earning job or a good education. YOU CAN LOSE WEIGHT. Do it. DO IT. Haha.

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