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Making DA CANDY PIZZA

by:Pox

2011/11/18

Sometimes you're bored. Sometimes you're hungry. That's called BUNGRY and that's when you go to a friend's house to make something AWESOME that has no nutritional value whatsoever. Me and my friend Dez ( don't care if that's not what she wants to be called, I make the Internet rules on this website) had waited all week to make this, so you can imagine how bungry we both were.

Of course I can't in good conscience write this page without mentionning that the idea somewhat came from Epic Meal Time. Truly these titans of industry have reshaped the world of food in a way that none of those asshole foodie chefs have. Speaking of foodies.

Anyway, here's our list of ingredients:

The fun part about making these is that you get to be creative! That's what we came up with by browsing the grocery store aisles and visiting a candy store. Feel free to mix it up!

And now for the pointless stream of photos where I explain obvious things!

First of all, we're gonna need some CANDIED BACON. I've already explained how to make this when I made the rainbow cupcakes, so just go read that. Then read 10-20 more random pages from my website. Did you know that every time you read a page on here, a bowl of rice is donated to a starving Indonesian child AND I tell a lie? Actually maybe only one of those things happen. I won't tell you which though ; )

JEW THIS UP ( Jewing = putting something in an oven. Yeah how do you like that? Offensive, right? NICE!)

While that bacon is leveling up, roll that cinnamon bun dough into a nice crust shape! We used two packages to make the crust for a 12 inch pan.

I swear this stuff is made with 50% rubber bands. THIS TOOK A WHILE.

Expert skills

Bacon's not ready yet, so we prepared more ingredients. Ok sit down before you read this next part because you might die of amazement at our genius. We made pepperoni by rolling up 3 Fruit by the Foot rolls...

And then we cut them into thin slices!

WHAT'S HAPPENING? MY MIND THINKS THIS IS MEAT BUT IT SMELLS LIKE JELLY!!

Meanwhile.... looks like we got ourselves some candied bacon!

So sad that 70% of it just melts away. Though that is great news if you plan to mix the bacon grease with Tequilla and drink a bacon shot:

This is a terrible picture, I know.

This doesn't count as a drink btw, in case you're wondering. Gimme a break ;)

Now let's stuff the crust with that candied bacon. This, as it turns out, IS DELICIOUS.

Close that crust up and put it in the oven at 350F for about 10 minutes. Just have to half-bake that crust. DON'T BURN IT, FOOL.

Then take it out and spread some sauce on there. Dez didn't put enough I say. Pff. Diabetes does't just HAPPEN, you have to work towards it.

Now it's time to put our toppings! First, Nibs. This is.. hum.. sausage or.. ham pieces. Yep.

Then, some GAY BACON.

Super homo = awesome.

Gummy worms. That's not supposed to be anything, gummy worms are just tasty.

Mini marshmallow cheese!

Pepperoni...

Peppers

On the left: Anchovies. On the right: Mushrooms!

The cinnamon bun dough came with frosting...hum..

Thanks?

Dez decided to spread that on the crust. No idea why, but it turned out great. We saved one of the little containers to use as dip for the crust. There's nothing worse than dry pizza crust, not even the word Jewing.

Put those bad boys in the oven. I wish I could tell you how long but it really doesn't matter since none of those things need to be cooked. Just leave it until the marshmallows are melted, but take it out before the crust burns.

Took like 15 minutes at 350F

That didn't QUITE do the trick so we put it on broil for 2-3 minutes to get a nice golden brown color.

Then we remembered what happens to marshmallows when you mix them with fire...

Still came out looking awesome. The melted marshmallow has the same texture as mozzarrella cheese.

A meal fit for a ninja turtle.

hmmmmm

It tasted great of course, but man that thing is FILLING. Well I guess it's not so much filling as capable of triggering some primitive defense mechanism in your brain that's aimed at preventing your teeth from rotting out of your skull. We ate 1-2 pieces of it each and were DONE.

I took some back home and after a night in the fridge it had become the ultimate post-drunk food; cold candy pizza.