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SUPREME FOOD ACTION TIME 4: GOULASH TO NETTLE TEA!

by:Pox

2014/01/17

So in the course of doing the THE FOOD LIST CHALLENGE this year, I'm having to eat a bunch of pretty weird things. I've already talked about some of them:

This edition might be the most exotic of them all! Or not. Maybe it's just filler and you're wasting your life reading this. Yes you're definitely wasting your life. So this doesn't go on forever, I'm doing 10 items at a time instead of 5!

1. GOULASH

We all know what it sounds like. Some exotic mystery meat stewed in rich spices with a distinct foreign armpit musk to it... But no, it's just a recipe meant to get rid of stringy beef cubes...

Homemade goulash? Yes. We. Can. It's basically stewed beef in tomato sauce with lots and lots of paprika. It is most delightful!

Proof of eats.

TASTE: Paprika and lots of it. Paprika is underrated, we should add it to more things.
SMELL: Like Paprika, which is a sweet soft mildly spicy dried chili.
TEXTURE: Well hopefully you cooked your beef cubes enough or else it's gonna be tough-ass beef.
VALUE: It's cheap and tastes good, what more do you want? What? Low preparation time? Well.... IT'S NOT THAT LONG.... Just try it.

2. HAGGIS

The famous Scottish delicacy made from all the shitty parts of a sheep stuffed back inside its stommach!

=========================

My sister took me to a Scottish pub where they served me this delightful plate of haggis meatssseses. I thought I'd get the whole intestine ball but upon further reflexion eating a football-sized lump of organ meat in one sitting might be ill-advised even for me

Proof of eating.

TASTE: Chopped liver. Fairly decent.
SMELL: LOOK PEOPLE, FOOD SMELLS LIKE IT TASTES WHY DID I MAKE THIS CATEGORY?
TEXTURE: Mushed meatloaf.
VALUE: This is not cheap anywhere on earth I don't imagine. Worth trying once. MAYBE.

3. HEAD CHEESE

Now what the fuck, you may ask, is head cheese and why is it called that? Surely it's just some benign euphemism gratuitously meant to disgust people and sell less product. Sadly, no, this is basically a giant log of spam made with different parts of cow head; Tongue, cheek... probably... other things... It all sits in a gelatinous blob, forming a solid block from which you may take slices to craft fine sandwiches.

I made it into a sandwich, which I found more palatable than a slice of gelatinous face sausage.

How I love thee... cow face...

TASTE: Like meat jello with chunks of spam.
SMELL: Salty destroyed ham
TEXTURE: Just gross, seriously.
VALUE: If you want to gross people out, this is a great purchase. It doesn't taste BAD but there's certainly dozens of meat byproducts I'd eat first.

4. HONEYCOMB

So as you know, honey comes from bee hives and it so happens that bee hives are made of delicious inedible waxy honeycombs! Hmmm! It you're willing to pay a premium, bee keepers will avoid removing the delicious honey from its waxy prison and instead offer up a nice slice of hive.

As you ... bite... or cut... into it, the honey drips out all over the place. You can try to eat the wax, but it's like chewing a candle. Why anyone would think this is a good food product, I have no idea.

TASTE: Honey + candle.
SMELL: Honey
TEXTURE: It's fun to chew on for a while but still sort of gross.
VALUE: Just buy some god damned honey in a jar like a regular person.

5. JERK CHICKEN

Of the 10 trillion ways to prepare chicken, I have no clue why anyone would pick this one to put on a food list. As far as I can tell it's just chicken with dry rub. Probably on here to cater to ethnic sensibilities in a non-racist way. =========================

Amazing, chicken that tastes good! Never ate that before. I know why ALL BLACK PEOPLE NO EXCEPTIONS love KFC. It's because when they come from the Caribbeans AS THEY ALL DO they are amazed at the burst of fatty flavors that crispy fried chicken skin yields to the human mouth. Anyway jerk chicken: IT'S FINE, WHATEVER. Don't go out of your way to eat this.

TASTE: Chicken and spices. Nice BBQ flavor.
SMELL: Nice spicy BBQ roasted chicken smell.
TEXTURE: Roast chicken.
VALUE: I'd be sad if that was the staple food of MY people. Poutine for all time woohoo.

6. Kangaroo

I guess we're lucky to import some of this Aussie vermin even here in Canada! You'll never guess what this RED MEAT tastes like!

Wow tastes like beef! Unless I kill my own kangaroos in the near future I'll have to live with the fact that I may have been had, though experience has taught me that meat is just meat.

TASTE: Beef. Just eat beef. Beef.
SMELL: Beef. Beef. Beef.
TEXTURE: BEEF I SAID BEEF.
VALUE: Giant waste of money unless you live in Australia where I imagine people pay you to lower the numbers of these giant rats.

7. LASSI

According to Wikipedia, lassi is a popular, traditional, yogurt-based drink. Lassi is a blend of yogurt, water, spices and sometimes, fruit.

Had it at a semi-fancy Indian restaurant here in Montreal. It is most good! I think mine was mango.

TASTE: It's sort of like a milky fruit smoothie but has a distinct sour yogurt taste to it.
SMELL: Just a fruit smoothie.
TEXTURE: Thick and creamy.
VALUE: Sure why not. Go buy this.

8. MIMOSA

A mimosa is an extremely complex cocktail composed of one part champagne and one part orange juice. AMAZING that anyone would think to do this. It probably took centuries to come up with this drink but we finally have it. It's pretty damn good.

TASTE: Wine that you want to drink!
SMELL: Look people, you know what orange juice smells like and you know what wine smells like. Figure it out.
TEXTURE: Like solid marble. Yes.
VALUE: Hey pretty good idea to make your Champagne go twice as long! SMART.

9. MOREL

Morel mushrooms ( seen here re-hydrated from a dried state ) are among the most sought-after from amateur mycologists and fat butter-chugging fucks alike.

Once you soak them in water for a while, they almost regain their fresh shape, but I certainly can imagine they are better when you picked them yourself from the woods.

The recipe I went with: Deep fried morels. FRIED IN BUTTER. It's SO FUCKING GOOD. You'd think that frying them would obliterate the taste but the strong nutty/ mushroomy taste of morels blends so well with the crispy crust and the warm melted butter. WOULD EAT AGAIN.

TASTE: You know you're getting fat eating this.
SMELL: Fried butter goodness.
TEXTURE: Texture is why people eat these mushrooms I think. They are harder and crunchier than normal mushroms which are just gelatinous mush.
VALUE: Expensive but I'd definitely try again, probably with fresh mushrooms this time.

10. NETTLE TEA

Again I guestion the wisdom of the list-maker because... what the fuck is Nettle tea? I was lucky enough to find this at a hippie health food store but upon smelling the dried leaves I noticed a distinct lack of aroma. You could crush a fistful of fallen tree leaves and get the same tea. A short internet search reveals a myriad of idiot website lauding the health benefits of Nettle yea. Blablablabullshit.

Stick to ANY OTHER KIND OF TEA. Completely bland and tasteless.

TASTE: Just a slight dried leaf taste. Lick a pinecone, you should get the idea.
SMELL: Almost nothing.
TEXTURE: Tea.
VALUE: Granted it costs almost nothing. With 50 cents I had enough leaves to brew 20 cups but...why? I can steep twigs in all the warm water I want without having to take any trips to health food stores.

That does it for this this! More than halfway through now, hope you enjoy seeing me shit on food. I've yet to find something better than drinking melted butter. HMMMM.

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